Friday, February 10, 2012

How to: Make your own girlfriend in 5 steps!

Thanos is no stranger to love, though it can be said that love is strange to him.

Or rather, his love is strange to the rest of us who watch his romantic aspirations like some twisted, galactic version of The Jersey Shore.

To recap:

Infatuated with the cosmic entity known as Death Thanos kept trying, and failing, to impress the dark spirit. When that failed, Thanos found another gal pal - Terraxia.

Who the heck is Terraxia you might ask? Given the name one might assume, that she's a sidekick/love of Terrax the Tamer. Going just by her costume, one might coin the name "Lady Thanos."

Terraxia's appearance evokes a more feminine version of the Mad Titan, and drums up images of every cliched super hero trope, from teen sidekicks (Kid Thanos!) to ridiculous vehicles (the Thanos-copter!).

Not buying into the Infinity Guantlet storyline from years ago I was perplexed when I saw the Terraxia HeroClix figure in WizKids booth at GenCon this year.

I had to know more about this person that was drawn to intimacy with Thanos. And what I found out... well... it just makes Thanos into an even bigger weirdo.

Terraxia's origin is pretty simple. Thanos, spurned by his girlfriend Death, decides to make Death jealous by creating a new lover. That's right, I said creating. Thanos didn't use, or try a singles bar - he just went out and built the perfect woman.

Is it any wonder the perfect woman he built looks exactly like him, but with boobs?

So to recap:

Step one: acquire the Infinity Gauntlet.

Step two: Make a wish for a hot girlfriend that embodies every aspect of yourself. Try not to think about how creepy it is that she looks like a female version of you. For practice try necking with a mirror.

Step three: Try not to think how creepy it is that you've created an artificial simulacrum girlfriend without a soul or free will.

Step four: Overcome your moral and ethical objections to creating a submissive love slave.

Step 5: Profit!

With a total of about 5 comic appearances dating back 20 years it came as a surprise when Terraxia was announced as a participation prize for the Infinity Guantlet events. A sort of one-hit wonder, Lady Thanos was brought in as a plot device. To prove how tough she was, she killed Spider-Man and Ironman in one issue (both were later brought back to life through the power of the gauntlet).

There's not much more to say about Terraxia, other than her pitiful demise. The space pirate Nebula banished Thanos and Terraxia to deep space, where Terraxia promptly died as her creator, so focused on making the total package look good, did not think to create her to survive in a vacuum.

And if that story strikes you as a little odd, wait until tomorrow when I point out that the girl sitting on Thanos' knee in the picture below...


is really a dude named Dave!

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