Thanos Loves Dave!

Comic books are a wild weird wonderful place where anything can happen. The website Superdickery.com does a great job showcasing some offbeat moments or items that out of context can seem downright out of place. Take Superman screwing with real life musician Pat Boone for instance.


Through the years any number of strange team ups and story lines have been explored, including Thanos's special relationship with Death.

In the Marvel Universe Death is an actual character, a powerful entity pictured in a manner completely opposite the cut pixie goth girl depicted by the distinguished competition.


No, Death in the Marvel U is the classic version - the hooded skeleton wearing dark robes, always silently gesturing. About the only thing the DC an Marvel universes agree on is that Death is a lady... except when she isn't. But more on that later.


Given the lack of vocal chords I can see how Death's relationship with Thanos works. As your typical megalomaniacal conqueror Thanos is obviously prone to talking - telling the heroes all about his plans, boasting and aggrandizing himself constantly. There's always one quiet one in a twosome.

Talk, talk, talk... evil likes to hear itself plot.

Death hasn't always had an exclusive relationship with Thanos however. Among former beaus she counts the Beyonder as a former love interest, as when she shows up for a date with the Mutant Inhuman in Secret Wars II (issue #2).



Now, the Beyonder was "beyond" a little crazy, to the point of Craigslist killer crazy and so it's no surprise that by the end of the date he's completely wiped Death from existence, just to prove to his friend Dave that he can.

And that's when the metaphorical can of worms gets opened, because suddenly nothing can die. The worms in the can have nothing to eat. This is a problem.



The lack of death starts freaking out the *other* crazy omnipotent folk of the Marvel U, like the Molecule Man who confronts the Beyonder.



The issue ends with Dave nobly (or stupidly) offering to sacrifice himself...

And the Beyonder complies restoring balance to the world by transforming Dave into Death.



And that explains the title of this post: Thanos loves Dave.

Transgendered romances are nothing new to comics. Currently there's the asexual Xavin from Runaways...



Good thing he's a shape-shifting Skrull who could easily adopt a female form to woo the once closeted Karolina Dean.



The 90's explored the idea with Shvaughn Erin, girlfriend of Element Lad was revealed to be a man but only after supplies of a gender bending drug (the aptly named Profem) were cut off to Earth during a war with the Dominators.



And the 80's saw the New Defenders member Cloud pull an "In-Betweener" and assume a male form to woo Moondragon.



Oh the delicious irony of that storyline now that Moondragon is out of the closet.



However, in all of the cases above, these "couples" are far from mainstream. Thanos may not exactly be a marquee name but as the villain masterminding the Infinity Gauntlet story arc he certainly has a lot of recognitions. There's a part of me that is really entertained by the notion that Thanos, the all powerful "Mad Titan" loves Dave.

I mean, this is the same Thanos who humbled the lord of Hell.




The Thanos who ascended to god-hood after collecting the Infinity Gems from the elders of the universe.



Thanos who beat the great powers of the universe (including Galactus) and eradicated half of existence all in an attempt to impress Dave.



Who knew the Mad Titan could know such love?



Maybe that's just how they roll on Titan, or maybe his brother Eros, AKA Starfox is to blame. Starfox has been known to turn people faster than you could say "Pink Kryptonite".



But then that's another wild weird and wonderful story for another day.

How to: Make your own girlfriend in 5 steps!

Thanos is no stranger to love, though it can be said that love is strange to him.

Or rather, his love is strange to the rest of us who watch his romantic aspirations like some twisted, galactic version of The Jersey Shore.


To recap:

Infatuated with the cosmic entity known as Death Thanos kept trying, and failing, to impress the dark spirit. When that failed, Thanos found another gal pal - Terraxia.


Who the heck is Terraxia you might ask? Given the name one might assume, that she's a sidekick/love of Terrax the Tamer. Going just by her costume, one might coin the name "Lady Thanos."


Terraxia's appearance evokes a more feminine version of the Mad Titan, and drums up images of every cliched super hero trope, from teen sidekicks (Kid Thanos!) to ridiculous vehicles (the Thanos-copter!).


Not buying into the Infinity Guantlet storyline from years ago I was perplexed when I saw the Terraxia HeroClix figure in WizKids booth at GenCon this year.


I had to know more about this person that was drawn to intimacy with Thanos. And what I found out... well... it just makes Thanos into an even bigger weirdo.

Terraxia's origin is pretty simple. Thanos, spurned by his girlfriend Death, decides to make Death jealous by creating a new lover. That's right, I said creating. Thanos didn't use matchmaker.com, or try a singles bar - he just went out and built the perfect woman.


Is it any wonder the perfect woman he built looks exactly like him, but with boobs?

So to recap:

Step one: acquire the Infinity Gauntlet.

Step two: Make a wish for a hot girlfriend that embodies every aspect of yourself. Try not to think about how creepy it is that she looks like a female version of you. For practice try necking with a mirror.

Step three: Try not to think how creepy it is that you've created an artificial simulacrum girlfriend without a soul or free will.

Step four: Overcome your moral and ethical objections to creating a submissive love slave.

Step 5: Profit!


With a total of about 5 comic appearances dating back 20 years it came as a surprise when Terraxia was announced as a participation prize for the Infinity Guantlet events. A sort of one-hit wonder, Lady Thanos was brought in as a plot device. To prove how tough she was, she killed Spider-Man and Ironman in one issue (both were later brought back to life through the power of the gauntlet).


There's not much more to say about Terraxia, other than her pitiful demise. The space pirate Nebula banished Thanos and Terraxia to deep space, where Terraxia promptly died as her creator, so focused on making the total package look good, did not think to create her to survive in a vacuum.

And if that story strikes you as a little odd, wait until tomorrow when I point out that the girl sitting on Thanos' knee in the picture below...

SPOILER ALERT!

is really a dude named Dave!

The Glitterati

Beware Pink Kryptonite!

It makes you FABULOUS!

Lex Luthor found out the hard way when he discovered the rare substance...

and it transformed him into a sequin clad glam gangster.

I suppose the pink love is no surprise, Lex has always had a special place in his heart for Superman, even going so far to have Superman's baby...

In truth, these mods were made by my wife, who wanted a super shiny bedazzled fighting force.

Legion of Superman Lovers Roll Call:

LOIS LANE: Superwoman

Lois is rocking fabulous red glitter boots and gloves by Gucci.

LUCY LANE: Superwoman

The general's daughter sports a fabulous cape-hoodie
combo with bright purple bejeweled accents.

Supergirl

The classic Kryptonian fights crime in a pink spangled cape

Livewire

Knee-high boots and shiny unitard accent her purple lightning

Gangbuster

fighting crime never looked so good!

As a 600 point HeroClix fighting force the team has some synergy with Lucy and Supergirl providing a strong initial assault, with Lex and Lois coming into play late game. The Annony-missus is 2-1 with this team in competitive play, and lost one friendly game where (I kid you not) this team was beaten by Ambush Bug.

But that's a whale of a tale best served for another time...

Quick Change! The Dolphin Symbol

I'm calling for a minor rules tweak that I think is in order regarding the Dolphin movement symbol, most commonly referred to as "swimming."

Figures that possess this combat ability are meant to represent strong swimmers, underwater breathers, and otherwise masters of their deep domain. Unfortunately to date the only thing the ability does is not hinder them in water.

It's a little ability to be sure, and those without it are forced to slog through puddles and ponds at the same rate as someone trampling through the underbrush. From that perspective the flipper speed subtype doesn't seem like much of a selling point because as written normal boot movement characters move through water with relative ease.


As a further insult to the aquatic acrobats the water terrain on maps is few and far between unless it is the major feature of a map. I'd like to suggest a possible change or two given the nature of what the speed type is supposed to represent.

For starters, I'd like to let all dolphin speed symbol characters break away for free from non-dolphin speed symbol characters, but only (you guessed it) when they occupy water. Someone like Robin shouldn't be able to tie up Namor or Aquaman in their own element... not while trying to tread water anyway.



Likewise Tiger Shark or Attuma should be able to dive below Hawkeye if not just backstroke past him with ease while he struggles to hold his bow and stay afloat. The purpose of the Dolphin symbol is to be able to swim circles around opponents, and this change helps them do just that.

This tweak gives a little more advantage to swimmers without being completely game breaking. I'd go further to suggest that Dolphin Speed Symbol characters can treat water terrain as hindering terrain for Line of Fire purposes, though that might be too much for players to fathom.


Hopefully the next starter set will make a Quick Change to the Dolphin symbol, effectively giving it a new porpoise.

The Fantastic Neighborhood Spider-Man

WizKids previewed the Alternate F4 flavored Spider-Man yesterday and the complaints started ringing in so fast you'd think the Daily Bugle's editor was running another smear campaign. "Weak Sauce," they said. "F4, or F-Fail" fans cried. Is this figure *really* as bad as they say, or is it just that fans were hoping for more?

Take a look:


The Incredible Hulk expansion's version of Spider-Man is certainly not under-powered. Top dial, while holding a standard heavy object and with proper positioning Spidey can dish out 6 damage with a 12 attack (!) rebuffing the weak sauce comments. Under the right circumstances Spidey can retain that 12 attack for two more clicks.

Even without surprising foes from below or distracting them with witty banter Spidey has very solid attack values retaining a 10 for most of his dial before dropping to 9 on his last two clicks.


Damage values are what you'd expect from the wall crawler - he's capable of feats of Super Strength but doesn't rely on it in the way a Hulk dial has the green attack power the whole dial. Instead Peter has other tricks - with Incapacitate and two targets. Not exactly a failure.

Defensively Spider-Man's got his trademark Spidey (Super) Senses topping at 18 on his second click. The evasion power also helps activate his special banter power. Combat Reflexes rounds out the dial keeping him safe when he's up close and personal. He doesn't have the 50/50 trait of Common Spider-Man from "Web," but he's far from awful.


Perhaps his best feature is the Fantastic Four TA/Spider-Man Ally TA combo that will let him play well with other members of the new FF copying Ghost Rider's Mystic Ability, or borrowing the X-men team ability found among FF members like Storm or Wolverine.

The #38 Spider-Man has also been bashed for its Super Rare status. While the fact that Peter may be harder to find is a downer for his fans, this is a Hulk set after all. Because Spider-Man had a good showing in his own set last year there's probably a good chance that an equal number of Hulk fans would complain if the figure were of a lesser rarity.



This is a Spider-Man pulled from a very specific story - the replacement Fantastic Four from the early 90's (FF#347). He's not meant to be a definitive version, evidenced if not from the limited keywords then by the fact that the sculpt features him clinging to the side of the Baxter Building.

Frustrated critics are more likely upset that this Spider-Man doesn't do everything that they WANT it to do - be highly mobile with move and attack, and better defenses.

It's okay to hate on Spidey though, he's used to it.

Marvel: What If? - part 2, of what might have been

Continuing from my post on what could have been with DC HeroClix, today I'm looking into the Marvel sandbox to scrounge for burried toys.

First up we have a story of a figure that almost wasn't. This photo of Captain America which has floated around since around the time Supernova was released.



The notorious "Smokey Foot" Cap was pictured on a promotional poster for the Avengers set, and never seen again until Hammer of Thor. In the mean time fans were treated to this monstrosity:



Better known as "Potato Head Cap" this figure was sculpted by the controversial Lukas Little who was often slammed on forums for his bulky looking figures with oversized heads and hands (see also Alan Scott and Martian Manhunter from Origins, Grodd and Johnny Sorrow from Arkham).

"Smokey" was a controversial figure, rumored to be sitting on Brand Manager Mark Tuttle's desk but never released, speculation abounded as to why the figure never saw the light of day. Some sources suggest occasionally a figure was made at the behest of a WK employee with no intention of producing it in the mass market. I guess when you have the keys to the kingdom you can do that sort of thing.

As far as other sculpts commissioned but never released go: Mutations and Monsters was released in the fall of 2007, but the spoilers leading up to the set had it initially named "Gods and Monsters." The "Gods" portion was dropped in favor of more merry mutants (and likely most of the grist of 'gods was saved for Hammer of Thor).

Here's a few that we might have seen under Topps run WizKids as pulled from sculptor's websites.


Exhibit A.) Eternals

Ikaris Done for Wizkids during the Topps ownership. 2007. This was another one where the head and hands had to be oversized. - James Van Shaik, sculptor

An Eternals subset would have made a lot of sense given the Neil Gaimen miniseries which ran from June 2006 to February 2007. Interesting side comment about the head and hands, which sheds some light on Lukas Little's sculpts. Also, in the Kirby vein...

Exhibit B: Medusa



If the Inhumans weren't slated for Mutations and Monsters they fight have followed in Secret Invasion. With its Fantastic Four subset, this would have been a perfect time to include the Inhuman Queen.

Exhibit C: Phoenix

Phoenix 34mm Done for Wizkids during the Topps ownership 2007/2008. - JVS

Another red-head that's both monstrous and god-like, it looks like Jean Grey could have gotten an update back in 'Mutations, but was passed over for the tiny Age of Apocalypse subset.

Exhibit D: Thor

Thor-40mm - My version of Thor. This is NOT a part of any commercial product line or sold. - JVS

The comments with this piece are very interesting. Reading between the lines it seems like James wanted a "classic" Thor, especially given that the common Thor from 'Hammer was the Straczynski update. I know I'd have preferred a Simonson era classic that wasn't part of some ill conceived duo.

Exhibit E: Power Man and Iron Fist

Iron Fist done for Wizkids Secret Invasion expansion. In the final piece the wall was removed for production reasons. The final production peice was also put together differently so that Iron Fist is pointing directly at the ground. - JVS

Not a huge difference, but like Catwoman a minor change. Luke lost the literal "Wallbuster" vision some time between design and production.

Exhibit F: Machine Man



This amazing sculpt of Aaron Stack comes strait from the pages of Nextwave via the mind of WizKids sculptor Ben Misenar. It's a no-brainer why it wasn't included in an official HeroClix expansion. All the bits sticking out of the robot's chest would have made for a difficult mold and a lot of broken, or possibly deformed parts.

Instead WizKids went with a simpler design that unfortunately isn't as cool.

He looks less likely to cut up some fleshbags, and more likely to cut up a large pepperoni pie. He slices! He dices! But wait there's more!

And we'll explore more, later, of what could have been in the Indy universe.